Decay On Net

Don't know how to describe my feelings now. Its just some strange feelings that I've never encountered and don't know how to use words to describe it.

Jessie SMS me all of a sudden after being MIA for nearly 3 months. Its quite common for us to lose contact and suddenly for no reason SMS each other again. We been doing that ever since we broke off more than 3 years ago. We still meet up once in a while.

I've always thought that she was the person I loved the most. That was until when I met Z when I suddenly ask myself, was it really love that I had for Jessie when we were together? The feelings I had for Z is totally different from the one I had for Jessie. The way I treat Z and the way I treat Jessie is different even though I'm not attached to Z. I see myself doing things that I would never had done for Jessie few years back. Perhaps that is why she left me.

Anyway, the conversation between Jessie and me would always revolve around the same few topic. She will always ask me if I got new gf while I'll ask her when she getting married. Kinda expecting her to get married soon, since she set her friendster status to married. But what shocked me was, she broke up with that guy whom she went steady with few mth after breaking up with me. After a couple of SMS, she reveal to me that she had a new bf, someone whom she knew for roughly 2 years. They been together for a few month and he has proposed to her. She has accepted. They will be ROM-ing in Oct. Congrats. :)

I was speechless at first. The feeling was kinda strange. I have no more feelings for her already. I'm sure. But I was kinda expecting her getting married with that guy, but it turn out to be another guy. Someone whom she is together with for mere few months. Somehow, I just don't know how to describe the feelings inside me now.

Isn't it strange? You been together with a guy for many years, but turn out, another guy whom you are together with for a few mth sweep you off your feets. Love is strange isn't it? Perhaps it is not the length of time you are together, nor the special things you do for the person. Perhaps it is just some chemcial reaction inside the body that matters. Cupid's arrow? or just meeting Mr Right?

Which make me wonder, why do I bother being extra good to the person I have interests in? If the chemical is correct, I don't even need to lift a finger and she will be falling in love with me. If the chemical is wrong, no matter how many stars I shoot down for her, she will still treat me as the person on the other side of the ladder.

I think I've been taking the wrong approach in chasing gals. Which explains why I keep failing and failing when it comes to love. Isn't it funny? It takes me 25 years to discover that.

Perhaps I should start about doing something about myself rather than doing something for the person I'm interested in. Change my dress sense, change my style or whatsoever. Don't bother about those special little things that you think will touch her heart. Even if you manage to touch her heart, it will still be those "friendship" way of touching. Why bother?

Perhaps it is time I change the person in the mirror. 2006 seems a good year to change myself. Coincidently, my MP3 is now playing "The Reason" from Hoobastank.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

Posted by DK on Tuesday, January 10, 2006 at 3:32 AM